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I have been blessed in my walk with God. As a child of 12 or 13, I had difficulty accepting that which was being taught in my church, and I was often reprimanded for this. In my church, it was the woman's role to stay home, have children, obey her husband, and hold bible studies. Now, I found no issue in any of these things, but I also wanted to give a talk at the podium, but only men were allowed to do this.
When the Elders of my church would stand at the podium and proclaim that Bethel (their headquarters) had a revelation and made a change in what the church believed in, I sometimes questioned this. And I always wondered why the BIBLE was merely a reference book for the books and pamphlets the church printed.
Oh, but I knew my bible, inside and out, front and back. Did you know that the name "Jehovah" appeared in the oldest bibles more than 6,518 times? I underlined each and every time the name appeared in my bible.
When I was 13, my father wanted me to learn the guitar, and brought home a young man named Kevin, who at 16, was already attending Jr. College. Kevin didn't have the greatest of childhoods, and in fact, his father was the only man I ever knew that admired Aldolf Hitler.
Kevin became a permanent fixture in our home, and my best friend. He started going to church with us, and taught me to drive. As I got older, I was not allowed to date, but I could go anywhere with Kevin. I didn't get to attend my high school prom because I graduated six months early and was already working full time. I was 17 and still a virgin.
Then, in 1974, our Elders decided that this was the year; Armageddon. Oh, they had predicted it before, and were wrong, but that didn't matter. And I kept bringing those who might listen to a young woman to Matthew 24:36; "No man shall no the hour" and asking them why they kept trying to predict what the bible clearing said we can not? Of course, I was that young girl who didn't know her place... again.
Regardless, it was told to me by my mother that August 31, 1974 would be a good day to be married - to Kevin. And so they planned it all, and I said, "but mom, what about love? I don't feel love." She told me not to be silly. And I walked down the aisle on August 31, 1974 and became Mrs. Kevin Withers.
It wasn't but a couple of months that went by, that suddenly Kevin wasn't interested in going to church, and declared himself an atheist. "I only went to get you," he said. But my family was crazy about him, and he them. He married my family, not just me.
By 1976, I stopped the struggle with the church and quit going myself. I also tried to leave Kevin twice. But I was young and I was scared. And I thought God would punish me for getting a divorce. Now, I had always known that there was something wrong about the religion I was raised in, and mind you, they are very good people, loving families and all that, but I just knew that God could not be what they claimed Him to be.
Finally, 2 weeks before my 21st birthday, I asked a girlfriend if I could stay with her. I just could not stay in a marriage that was not true to what a marriage should be; caring, and support, and happiness, and yes, sex. I could not tolerate, at the age of 21, having my husband touch me. I had never felt true pleasure in sex, not knowing, of course, that I had not yet ever had an orgasm, and it was very much a "duty" to allow him to have sex with me. I knew it should not be that way, for God created man and woman for each other.
So, I moved out. Oh, there was indeed Hell to pay in the form of my mother, but my father, all he said was that he wanted me to be happy.
I found myself essentially alone, without the "familiar" God I grew up with, without this "best friend" I'd known since I was 13, and without my mother to talk to. And so I prayed. I prayed that I might discover the true God and allow all that was wrong about what I had been taught when I was raised be clarified and truth be shown to me. I had a lot of understanding to do, for my church did not believe in the Trinity. Indeed, I had left the organization of my youth, whose teachings clearly stated that if one left this church, they voluntarily entered the world of Satan, becoming part of the Antichrist, and I was to be shunned by members of the church, friends and family alike. I was terrified, I was alone, and I was 20 years old.
I struggled with truth, ... truth as it was taught to me, and truth as I felt it should be. I shook with loneliness, and I cried for peace. I went to a psychiatrist who told me I was the most sane and normal ex-Jehovah's Witness he had ever spoken with, and he told me that many of his clients, lawyers, doctors, very successful people, struggled with their choice to leave this church, struggled and wept for their very souls, for their salvation. And I felt anger that God would be so hateful as to punish a young woman like me, who had never done anything really wrong, never set out to harm anyone. And I didn't believe it. I simply could not believe that God, who loved me, would not forgive me.
I spoke to a Pastor about this, and he said to me, "that's the key to life here on earth.......to know God for yourself .........so you can know who should be in your life or not.........God is greater than we could ever know.......He has no limitations ...... there are always new levels in God yet to find out..."
And so it was. I still remember the night it happened. My childhood religion was so pessimistic that I had a horrible fear of death, and would often feel as though I were having "out of body" experiences late at night when I was trying to go to sleep. And that night, when I was praying and praying, I asked God to reveal his true self, to allow me to let go all that I had been taught that was wrong, all that MAN had interpreted from God's word and twisted to suit their satisfaction, and to let nothing be between my relationship with God.
And it was as though a lightness came about me, and for the first time in my life, I felt an ease within myself, and I knew I was walking with God. I understood "the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost" for the first time in my life, and how refreshing this was! And I knew then and there, that no matter my sins, I had God's forgiveness, just for the asking. Torn from me were the man-made beliefs that came with man-made religion and self-righteous leaders of the church. God made it simple for me; only unbelievers, only those who doubt in God will not receive God's promise. Only unbelievers will not go to heaven, no matter our earthly sins. Jesus paid a debt that He did not owe, because we owed a debt that we could not pay. Salvation is receiving, not giving. We are sinners and Jesus is our Savior.
I am a divorced woman (more than once, in fact.) No one in my marriage committed adultery. I divorced because our marriage was not sanctified by God (and there was not a Pastor or Elder on this earth that could know this, only God.) God desires a happy, loving, caring and true marriage. He requires a happy home, the union of two, willing to serve in their marriage, the bond of love strengthening their union each day, that is what is sacred to God, not simply two people living a pretense, a lie. God cherishes oneness in a marriage, not two going separate ways. He has called us to marriage with peace,love, and mutual respect, with giving hearts and loving moments, not legal bondage.
And in my many, many talks with God, in my best attempts to walk with God, and when God reached down and carried me when it became too hard for me to walk, he whispered into my ear and told me, "No, my child, you are a child of God, and I forgive you ALL your sins, and your place is not in Hell."
DJ Triplett 8-21-2011 Copyright - Article may be used with permission of this site or the author.
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